starve it and gut it.

(written 2/25/25)

Your inner people-pleaser that is…

I just filmed a little video getting out all my inner frustrations. Things I can’t say to anyone else for one reason or another. And it felt good to finally be honest. Not honest in a “everything will be okay” kind of way but an honest, “Fuck everything” kind of way.

Someone I know posted a video about what 25 feels like to them so far and that made me think and reflect.

“What has 25 been like for me?”

And the answer I came up with felt like wasted time. Almost an entire year of wasting my own time.. of putting the feelings of others before myself… of rejection after rejection after rejection… and to be honest? That’s been the theme of my entire twenties.

I realized that in my quest to do the right thing, I have been doing all the wrong things (for me).

In 2019 I was asked if I wanted to take semi-professional headshots for another school. I said no.

In 2020 I was asked to speak on the BLM movement after being vocal for months and attending two seperate protests… I said no and offered up someone else in my place.

When I was asked to do a mural for a local consignment shop in 2021 during the peak of my digital illustrations I said no. Because I felt too underqualified.

My anxiety has led me to a lot of places but none of them have been interesting or worth remembering. My lack of inner worthiness and inability to learn as-I-go has kept me from experiences that might have taught me what I needed to know sooner rather than later. My need for perfection and people-pleasing has granted me access to a one-way trip down a road of regret and regression. And that’s all on me. I made those decisions. No one else.

I think it’s time I turned those regrets into something else and similar to my ‘Crash Out and Show N*****’ blogpost… it’s time I turn those feelings into something new. What will I do with all the regrets that lay sinking in my chest? Will I continue to let them weigh me down? Let them drown me in a puddle of self-pity? Allow them to keep me stagnant when all I crave is growth? Or will I learn something from this and keep rooting for me in the face of everything? Will I burn my inner people pleaser alive and let the new me rise from her ashes…? Guess we’ll have to wait and see.